Managing Tough Emotions: Connecting with Your Child in 3 Simple Words

Emotional IQ

Parents are responsible for meeting the physical needs of their children and teaching their children life skills such as regulating emotions, coping with strong feelings, and appropriate responses to their feelings. It isn't always easy as a parent, especially if you struggle to control your emotions or cope with strong feelings, especially negative ones.

However, children learn how to regulate their emotions, properly label what they feel, and even notice when they're beginning to feel an emotion by modeling their parents' behavior. It's never a good idea to ​minimize a feeling ​or pretend it isn't there. Children and adults must learn how to notice and accept challenging emotions and can even utilize those moments to connect on a deeper level.

Feel, Felt, Found

Often, I use three words in my practice when I am teaching parents, families, and even my child about how to deal with intense emotions: Feel, Felt, Found.

Below, I will describe a scenario that demonstrates how I use these words to teach healthy coping skills and connection opportunities to the parents and families I work with in therapy. This simple three-word phrase can make a world of difference to someone feeling intense emotions and learning how to cope with them.

Here's an example of how I use this simple phrase "feel, felt, and found." The child's name in this scenario will be "Joe."

"I see that you (Joe) are ​feeling​ sad right now."

Acknowledging the child's feelings not only validates them but also helps them to notice their emotions as well.

"I, too, have ​felt​ sad at times."

Again, acknowledge and even normalize that being sad is a feeling, and it is ok to feel sad.

"What I have found that has helped me (when I am ready to feel no longer sad) is to dance it out or ask for a hug."

Let your child know that they can feel whatever emotion they want too, and choose their response to that emotion when they're ready.

"Feel, Felt, Found" is a simple approach to teaching your kids about acknowledging, naming, and regulating emotions. It's also a great skill to apply in your adult life when faced with complicated feelings or intense situations.

Connect Through the Tough Emotions

Please make this a challenge to see the opportunity to connect with your child versus correcting them for having a tough emotion or teaching them ​unhealthy coping skills​ when there are intense emotions on display. I encourage you to be aware and notice the next time your child, spouse, or even yourself feels an intense emotion. What can you do at that moment to allow yourself or your family to be heard and the feelings validated? We all deal with emotions, good and bad. It's ok to feel, and it should be a very normal part of life. Remember, this is another area in your parenting where you can connect with your child instead of disconnecting from them entirely because of your discomfort with difficult emotions. If you feel upset when your child has a tantrum or an intense feeling, see it as a call to CONNECT with them at that moment. Trust your gut instinct!