3 Ways to Deeper Connection with Your Kids

Parenting on Purpose

A parent or caregiver is the first relationship we experience and learn from in life. As a therapist, one of the greatest challenges many clients bring up in therapy is the relational dynamic of their upbringing and how it has affected them. As children, we all receive messages from our parents or caregivers that inform our identity, self esteem and self worth. Furthermore, these messages whether positive or negative, spoken or only felt are lived out in many ways throughout the course of our lives. Thus, the reason why it is important to be intentional about connecting with our children and being aware of the messages we are sending in both our actions and our words.

There’s no doubt in my mind that it is even more challenging to experience deeper connection as a parent when you’ve experienced unhealthy and harmful dynamics relationally. Sometimes, it’s the only way of relating you know. Parenting on Purpose and this initiative I’ve begun is in response to these difficulties I hear from parents all the time, and have experienced personally as well. I believe every relationship is worth an intentional connection, especially the relationship we have with our children. Moreover, I know that these techniques work and when practiced over time do bring about positive outcomes.

3 Ways to Connect with your Kids

February is usually a month where love and relationships are in focus, so why not seek out opportunities to love and connect deeper with our children! If you struggle to find ways to do this or need some inspiration, keep reading! Here’s a few thoughts on how to connect deeper with your children of any age.

3 Ways to Increase Deeper Connection and Love with your Children

1. Listen and empathize

2. Connect before transitions

3. Show up

Listen and Empathize

Sometimes it’s easy to forget that everyone experiences emotions no matter the age of the person. So, when our children are experiencing difficult emotions a typical reaction or response in many parents is to solve, fix, or even alleviate the problem. More than likely though, our kids just like us aren’t looking for a solution as much as they are looking for a listening ear or an empathetic response. The goal as a parent is to listen and empathize when our kids express an emotion.

Most of the time, when someone wants to share their feelings with you, they probably aren’t looking for a solution to their problem quite yet. They want a safe space to share whatever they are feeling and for someone to listen or perhaps acknowledge the feelings being expressed. If as a parent your reflex is to quickly eliminate the problem for your child or diminish the emotional response, you risk sending a message that emotions expressed are unacceptable or should be “shut off” so to speak. Without meaning to, the message your child may hear in your reaction is that their emotions aren’t valid or that there’s no space for them to express how they feel.

While we hear more about “listening” and “validating” feelings when the topic is of a romantic nature, however, listening and empathizing are such important pieces of any relationship, especially the relationship with our kids.

Connect Before Transitions

Connecting before transitions may not be something you’ve heard much about when it comes to relating. Children, as well as some adults, do not always handle the emotional transition from one thing to another in rapid form very well. Think about it like this: You’re enjoying a meal at your favorite restaurant and the waiter clears your plate as you are in your first few bites. If this were to happen you’d probably be shocked and even frustrated. You weren’t necessarily ready or wanting the meal to be over and you certainly weren’t ready for his abrupt actions. Now, you may be able to control your frustration and the anger you’re feeling without issue. However, children have a much smaller threshold for tolerating the frustration they are feeling when transitions are abrupt in their day.

So, another technique I teach is to connect before you begin a transition. You can do this by getting down on their level while also preparing them for the change or end of the activity. Then, you’re able to acknowledge their feelings and help them in learning how to manage their emotions or how they express them. One other key to connecting before a transition is to be aware of the way you communicate a transition. A quick example: Instead of yelling “I am turning off your show, “ you could communicate what’s coming with something like “after this episode, we are going to turn off the television and play with your cars. How does that sound?” Gentleness in your tone of voice will be much more effective than yelling or sounding frustrated and sharp.

Show Up

A word of encouragement: we are experiencing a more stressful time in the last year or so with the pandemic and all the changes it has brought to our “normal.” Our children, like us, are dealing with stresses, fears, and even emotional dysregulation caused by so much change and uncertainty. There’s never been a better time to begin practicing these techniques and others to bring about deeper connection and a feeling of safety for ourselves and for them. If you are struggling and need help with issues related to parenting, family, stress, anxiety, etc. please reach out. I am here to help and want to see individuals and families heal and experience deeper relationships and wholeness in their lives.