What No One Tells You About The Difficult Days

Isn't it interesting that no one tells you before you have a child about all the difficult days? No one talks about how all of the sudden you are not only dealing with the job of parenting, but on top of that, you're now dealing with a plethora of your own issues triggered by the new role of Mom or Dad. Frequently, I hear from parents that their child's difficult emotions or behaviors make THEM feel angry, mad, embarrassed, and so on. When I hear this, I feel sad. My heart hurts. I spend a lot of time thinking about why parents have these kinds of emotions and reactions. Often, I conclude that parents blame themselves or their parenting for the child's display of emotions. Additionally, I recognize emotional triggers that are pointing to a much deeper issue for the parent.

Emotional Triggers

At times, the difficulties we experience with our children trigger defensiveness or an adverse reaction because of the way we were parented as children. Some parents may even find themselves mirroring the same phrases and responses they experienced in similar circumstances. If you were treated in a manner other than being supported to feel your emotions in a safe and comforting way, you might likely repeat these inter-relational patterns simply because it is normative to your experience.

Depending on the age or the developmental stage of your child, their emotions, behaviors, and yes, even tantrums are only them communicating a feeling or a need in the only way they can. Furthermore, they can't yet properly display, and in knowing this, their reactions or behaviors shouldn't be taken personally. However, in many of my counseling sessions, parents describe situations or scenarios and their child's behavior as reflections of them. More often than not, this is not the case at all. There are certainly instances where this could be true, as in an abusive situation, but that is not what is being described here.

The Need for Connection

If our child's emotions trigger difficult emotions in us as well, then there is a need for connection on both sides. Something as simple as a hug, tickles, watching a movie together, reading a book, or playing your child's favorite game can create more profound connection moments. It can also provide perspective in how you perceive your child's behavior, especially when the actions are difficult to deal with in the moment.

As a mom raised in a very dysfunctional home with emotionally unhealthy parents, the message I received about my emotions was that I was "wrong for feeling them" and "it was my fault my parents couldn't meet my needs." These messages caused me to believe that my emotions

were not worthy of being heard or comforted at an early age. Now, in my training and work with other families, I recognize the importance of validating emotions. Emotions that are validated, supported, and heard decrease dysregulation feelings and can help children learn it is safe for them to come to us when difficult things in life occur. Remember the ​Feel, Felt, Found​ acronym from last week's blog? It is a useful and practical example for connecting in difficult moments rather than disconnecting.

Reparenting Ourselves

PARENTING IS A CONSTANT REFLECTION OF OUR OWN CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES!

The more triggered we feel, the more likely the need to heal from our own childhood experiences. As a parent, if you can recall difficult experiences or times when you felt like your feelings were not validated or supported, you can begin to heal and become aware of why the experiences with your child now are so triggering. As we learn more about ourselves and how to connect with our kids during the difficult moments, we actually end up healing personally from times when we weren't supported or comforted as we'd hoped.

So, where's a good place to start? You can start by asking yourself how you would have wanted to be parented in the difficult moments. Ask yourself what you would have liked to hear or feel when you were upset but couldn't communicate what you needed. This is actually a technique called "reparenting." You can learn more about ways to "reparent" yourself ​here​.

There are many, many resources available on the subject, and if you need more advice, please reach out! My passion is to help other parents and their children connect and attach to one another in healthy, loving ways that bring about lasting relationships in their lives.