Dont Leave it to Luck

Each month, we have set a theme for focused study and practice in our parenting efforts. The theme for March is a deeper dive into setting intentions for connecting with your children compared to leaving things to chance happening. Connected and healthy relationships don't happen by chance or luck; they are intentionally pursued.

So, what does this mean for you as a parent? How is this accomplished in our day-to-day interactions? More than that, how do you make changes when your experience was lacking secure attachment and the kind of connection and learned pattern of relating resulted in patterns you're now repeating have quite the opposite dynamic in your relationships?

These are the kinds of questions we will continue to pursue in hopes that you as a parent gain the knowledge and the encouragement to make positive changes and experience more profound relationships with your children and other relationships in your lives. It can be so disheartening to realize that the experiences that hurt you as a child are now showing up unintentionally in how you parent or even in other meaningful relationships. This reason, among many, fuels my pursuit of this initiative to teach and encourage a way of parenting that results in deeper connection and healthier relating.

I have been there and understand how much encouragement and support are needed when you set out to personally address your own issues and apply a different approach to your daily life. So, here are a few tips and thoughts for March that we'll be exploring in greater depth throughout the month as we all continue to grow individually and as families.

Affirmations

Have you implemented some positive affirmations into your family dynamic? It doesn't have to be a long list, but it could even be a few words or a phrase that brings some positive interactions and awareness to each day. Setting intentions around developing some positive family affirmations could even be an activity to do as a family. Make it a fun project or a family outing together. Remember, it isn't about perfection. It's about the intention.

Responding vs. Reacting

An essential aspect of parenting is allowing our children the space to develop their own ability to regulate their emotions. In responding to their feelings versus reacting (feel, felt, found), we create a dynamic that allows them to develop their own tolerance of emotions versus feeling punished for having them. Often, a parent's reaction can send a message that the emotion being expressed is "bad" or isn't ok. This message can have lasting effects on a child's self-esteem and sense of identity. Learning to respond in place of reacting creates an opportunity for connection and the development of emotional regulation skills.

Playful Moments

With the stresses we all endure daily and the added pressure of the challenges of the last year and a half, I have made an intentional effort to create playful moments, especially with my husband and my son. Laughter and some lighter moments regularly go a long way in creating an opportunity for connection. You can even use playfulness in teaching moments with your children. Sometimes making a little lighter of making mistakes and finding moments to be playful even when you don't feel like it can be very healing even for you as a parent.

Comfort and Hugs

I genuinely believe in the power of connecting before correcting behavior that our children display. By connecting first, we reinforce that it is the behavior we are correcting in the situation and not something tied to their identity. Many times our kids receive the narrative, "I am bad, what I do is bad." This can be because of the personal rejection they may hear or feel from your correction unintentionally. Thus, being intentional to connect with them before correcting or addressing behavior helps reinforce your love and acceptance while correcting an unacceptable action they've chosen. Our children need that message reinforced continuously, so don't hesitate to give plenty of hugs and comfort.

Conclusion

Setting an intention isn't always easy, and changing deeply ingrained patterns of behavior is hard work. At the same time, it is so rewarding, and the healing that you and your children will experience individually and together is worth the effort! Parenting isn't easy, and there will always be difficult days, but you can also achieve a connected and thriving relationship with your children. It is worth the time and effort to invest!