A Parenting Mindset Shift

A Parenting Mindset Shift 

Many new parents don’t realize how this beautiful new phase of their life can actually bring up memories, emotions, and even old wounds from their own childhoods. I know I didn’t! No one prepares you or talks much about the challenges that may come up for you personally in the middle of all the other learning that’s happening. Additionally, in my work with foster and adoptive families, I’ve learned that this dynamic is present whether you foster, adopt, or birth your children.

Difficult Emotions

Parents experience a range of emotions as they’re learning how to care for their children and may even experience feeling triggered by a situation they’re encountering with their own child. As a parent, you are more than likely to be the most vulnerable toward triggers, old wounds, or memories from your childhood when dealing with your child’s challenging behavior, meltdowns, or tantrums. The intensity of these emotions can have even the most patient of parents lose it or feel emotionally charged themselves.

This month we’ve discussed a technique I call “Feel, Felt, Found” in the moments where there are challenging behaviors happening. Furthermore, recognizing that our child’s behavior is affecting us personally is just as important.

Parenting with a New Mindset

When your child’s emotional outbursts cause you to feel emotions like anger, frustration, sadness, or others, my thoughts lean toward the possibility that you’re triggered personally by the situation and it may not necessarily be fully about the behavior you’re encountering. Many times, these situations can remind you of situations you experienced, and your own responses can mirror the way you were treated in similar situations.

Also, I have heard many parents express how they feel personally attacked when their child is displaying difficult behavior or expressing difficult emotions. I have encouraged and reminded many parents, even myself at times, that their child’s behavior is not a personal attack against them, but rather an attempt to express an emotion they’re not fully developed enough to communicate.

How to Parent with a Mindset Shift

Here are some thoughts that could help diffuse your own triggers emotionally:

1. Remember, the feelings your child displays are solely about their needs and not about you or your parenting. Don’t take it personally.

2. Self-care is of great importance and can be easily overlooked with the added care for another person you have taken on. Make sure you are carving out time to care for yourself.

3. Be mindful of the difficult emotions you are feeling in situations with your children and talk to someone. Journaling your experiences, emotions, and even participating in personal therapy can also be helpful and necessary.

Conclusion

With these things in mind, remember to look for ways to connect and make a safe place for your child to express their feelings. You build trust even with these little meltdowns that in turn, will result in deeper trust as they grow and experience more difficult emotions or situations in their life. Continue to use techniques like “Feel, Felt, Found” and validate their emotions while you diffuse your own and reparent yourself toward healing in the process. More to come on how to reparent yourself in these moments with your own children!

As always, please reach out if you need support or if any of this resonates with your personal experience. I would love to be of support to you and your family.